Navigating Technology in Relationships: Does he love his Smart Phone more than me?

Navigating Technology in Relationships:  Does he love his Smart Phone more than me?

For better or worse, technology plays a major role in our relationships.  Although technology has many merits and has an undeniable place in our lives, if overused, it can cause rifts in relationships.

One way in which technology can cause conflicts is through misinterpreted messages sent via text or email.  When couples communicate in this fashion, rather than face to face, they are more apt to argue unfairly and to send comments that can be misconstrued. This can up the ante, and cause the other partner to lash out and send an angry message in return. 

Another problem occurs when couples are physically together, but focused on their devices.  The intrusion of technology often keeps the couple’s attention on the incoming message, rather than being present, engaged and connected to each other. This can diminish the quality of time with one another and may also cause resentment from the partner who is less interested in her  smartphone and more interested in connecting to her partner  How many of you can say that you and your partner are on your phones or Ipads before bed? My guess is that there are many of you.

Here are some tips to increase intimacy with your “live” partner and decrease the time spent with your “electronic” partner.

1. Put it aside:  Whether you are on a first date, out with your partner of 40 years, or with an old friend, shut it off or put it away.  It will still be there when you are through, and the world won’t end if you don’t respond immediately. 
2. Set limits as to when it is acceptable to use technology:  It is unavoidable that, at times, one or both people in the relationship will need to be connected.  Whether it is a required to call from work, or one of you is awaiting a call from your kid or a parent, recognize what obligations are reasonable and communicate this understanding in advance.
3. Make your technological connections with one another short and sweet:  Don’t use technology to connect over last night’s disagreement.  Rather, use it to send an endearing message to your partner, to wish him a good day or tell her you love her.  Although your smartphone may often disconnect you from your partner, find a way to make it connect the two of you.
4. Make a tech-free date time:  If you constantly find yourselves looking at a screen, agree to having a technology-free date night.  Go to dinner,   take a walk or have a quiet night at home that is largely free of technology. Make it a point to communicate with your partner without the use of technology in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
5.  Be clear about your boundaries:  Be unambiguous with your partner about what is and what is not okay.  Communicate your feelings about issues such as sexting, and dealing with a third party who is showing interest in you or sending you sexually explicit messages.  Be clear about how you will handle such issues as a couple.
   
   “It has become appallingly obvious that technology has exceeded our humanity”
   – Albert Einstein