Heal yourself from Co-dependence -

Cure Yourself of Co-Dependence

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

Codependency describes a relational dynamic where you over-rely on others and their approval of you, have a hard time experiencing yourself as distinct and separate from others, and struggle to recognize and prioritize your own needs. Giving your heart to someone else, while staying true to yourself, can be difficult. It’s natural to want to spend all of your time with someone who you are crazy about! However, it is essential to do so without losing your sense of self in the process. Regardless of whether the relationship lasts, you are responsible for your own heart, your own brain, and your own life. These have to be your top priorities, no matter how much in love you are!

At times love may be unselfish. When we have children, their needs have to come before ours. We are not going to let our baby cry for hours from hunger in the middle of the night because we feel like sleeping when the baby would rather be awake and eating. We will drive our children around to activities when we are tired or would rather be doing something else. Acting responsibly as a parent is part of what it means to love our children. However, when we always put the other first in our adult relationships, at the expense of our own health or well-being, we may be codependent.

A codependent relationship is one in which one person has an excessive emotional dependence on another person. It is a learned behavior. We watch the actions of our parents when we are children. If our mother or father had a problem with boundaries, was always the martyr, could never say ‘no’ to people, and had unhealthy ways to communicate, we most likely learned these behaviors and brought them into our intimate relationships. Children who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents also are at risk for being codependent. They often find themselves in relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable, yet they stay in the hopes that they can change the person. No matter what happens, they won’t stop hoping that one day things will be good.

If you’re chronically or habitually more focused on others than on yourself, you can become like a ship that’s all sails with no anchor.In co-dependent relationships, one person may take on too much responsibility for the relationship while the other person takes too little. Boundaries can be blurred or so non-existent. Examples of Co-dependent behaviors include:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions

People may stay in codependent relationships, even if they are unhappy because they may fear being alone or as responsible for their partner’s happiness. They may say that they want to leave, but end up staying. If they do leave, they often repeat the same pattern in other relationships.

There are ways to avoid getting into codependent relationships and to terminate codependent patterns you may have already established. Here are 10 steps to get achieve these ends:

Develop an Understanding of the Co-Dependence: The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for those in co-dependent relationships to gain insight into the function of the behavior and recognize the way it extends into their relationships.
Acknowledge Your Fears: If you are in a codependent relationship, acknowledge what fears you may have about being apart—either for a short amount of time or permanently. Fear doesn’t go away by itself — it tends to morph into something else. If you sometimes find that you sabotage your own needs in relationships, there could be many reasons worth further exploration.
Determine if the Relationship Seems Balanced: Kindness is a wonderful quality, but be mindful of whether you are taking advantage of your partner’s kindness, or vice versa. If you find that you are always the one who always ends up paying for items or events, or, if you are sacrificing your own needs in order to attend to your partner’s, it may be time to reexamine the relationship and consider how balanced things are.
Spend Time Apart: No matter how much in love you may be, it is healthy to spend some time apart. Continue to spend time with friends and family and encourage your partner to do the same. It is also important to spend some time alone! Just being by yourself, reconnecting with who you are when nobody else is present, can renew your spirit and give you the opportunity to reconnect with your own needs. Time apart can remind you that you don’t need your partner around constantly to be a complete, happy person, and it will make you appreciate your partner that much more when you do spend time together.
Take Responsibility for Yourself: If you are feeling like things are unfair in the relationship, be sure to tell your partner. Take responsibility for how you feel by communicating your thoughts, and setting healthy, achievable boundaries.
Establish Respectful Relationships: Don’t minimize behaviors or statements from your partner that are disrespectful. Be sure that you are feeling valued in the relationship. If you feel disrespected or dismissed, even if it is done so to be “humorous”, speak up and say so. You should also extend the same respect to your partner.
Pay Attention to Red Flags: If you notice your partner is being dishonest, jealous or possessive, take heed. Trust yourself; your intuition is usually correct.
Be Mindful of the Relational Boundary Line: Ask yourself what in the relationship is your responsibility and what is your partner’s? Be as clear as possible as to where the boundary is and stay on your side of it. This can help you stay grounded and have borders in place.
Don’t Give Yourself Away: Some people take on the role of becoming “people pleasers” in relationships. When you give parts of yourself in order to be accepted or loved, you can lose your sense of self. Working to stay whole and being true to yourself are important in establishing healthy and mutually respectful relationships.
Accept Help from Others: Accepting help can be a sign of strength, not weakness. Believe that you are worthy of accepting help and do not take the position that you can do everything yourself.
Recognize and Live Within Limitations: Although you might feel like you are super human, recognize your limitations. When relationships push against healthy boundaries, then, it is important to re- establish them. Be clear from the beginning as to what you are willing to accept and stand .firmly on that ground.
Self-Care: As you are working to break the cycle of codependency, it may seem like you are being encouraged to behave in way that is selfish and unfair to your partner. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In a healthy relationship, both people have fully formed identities outside of their time together. They each bring unique attributes to the table—creating a partnership that allows both of them to grow and thrive.